I am the leader of the server revolution! Taking the power away from the customers and putting it back in the hands of the bartenders and servers. Yelp off!!!

The Elements of Life

funny-bug-imageSummertime means that customers are going to sit on the patio.  And they should.  It’s Los Angeles, the sun is shining, and servers love running back and forth between the restaurant and the patio just to get additional things that customers forgot to ask for each time we are at their table.

But keep in mind that although the patio is beautiful, you will still have to deal with the elements.  The sun is a giant, fiery star that produces heat.  So although I can pull an umbrella over your table, I can’t do something about “the hot light overhead.”  If I had a direct line to God, I wouldn’t use it to turn the heat down so your botox doesn’t melt off.  I would call for the opposite.

These Tables Might Wobble, but They Won’t Fall Down.  Patios are built on concrete, and then another layer of some kind of substance is poured over that to make it look nice and “out-doorsy.”  So yes, your table is sitting on a hard surface, but that doesn’t mean that it is going to be steady and not wobble.  Especially after you’ve asked me to move two tables together so you can sit two more friends at your table, or so you can have more room to place your purses because you refuse to lay your bags on the ground.  It’s okay to let homeless people sleep on the sidewalk, or under freeway overpasses, but God help us if your Louis Vuitton bag even sees the ground.

And lastly, bugs.  You are probably going to see some bugs.  No, not like there will be an army of beetles marching toward the patio with pitchforks and torches trying to take back their land.  Which, let’s be honest, would be awesome!  But you may see a cockroach running around, or peeping up behind you.  YOU ARE OUTSIDE!  And they were here first.  And NO!, your server doesn’t make to “take care of it.”

This has happened to me two times recently.  The first time, a couple on the patio said that they saw a cockroach run under the table next to them.  First of all, I don’t know how they saw it.  It was later in the evening, and the only light on the patio was from the candles.  But they still wanted me to investigate and do something about it.  But they gave me explicit instructions to “not squish it,” and “to use a napkin.”  I didn’t see anything, but I really didn’t want to hear about it anymore, so I pretended like I had found it, made a big deal about trapping it in the corner, and dove on top of it with a napkin and took it away.

The other time, a man came up to me and asked, “Do you work here?”

I pointed to my apron and said, “Yes.”

“I saw a cockroach by the door and think it may have gone inside.  Can you do something about this?” he demanded.

I look at him for a second, and honestly said, “I don’t do bugs.”

Until next time… Server’s don’t pay their rent with compliments.

“Bitter.  Party of 1?  Your table is ready.”







I Own The Place

“You look happy to be here.” “You look especially bitter today.” “You seem angry today.” And even, “Why are you so smiley today.” These have all been said to me with some frequency over the past couple of months at my work.  And the one thing that it tells me, I have been working as… Continue Reading

I’ve Only Acted Like A Manager

For all of my years working in the service industry, I’ve never been an ACTUAL manager.  I kinda had a “supervisory” role when I worked at Cafe Muse many years ago at The Olympic Collection, and I was kinda “supervisory” when I was a daytime bartender at Porta Via even longer ago, but I have… Continue Reading

Staff Meal for the Poor

Customers always ask or assume that servers get to eat the food that is served at the restaurant.  We don’t.  What we get is a much toned down version of the food that is presented on the menu: the staff meal.  And when I say “toned down,” I mean that the food is missing all… Continue Reading

Why Work in the Service Industry?–The Bitter Bistro

The service industry is a pain-in-the-ass.  Writing this blog is a pain-in-the-ass.  Some “friends” are a pain-in-the-ass.  But as my wife has told me, if I don’t put up with some asses, then I will be all alone in this world, with no one to bitch about all of the pain-in-the-asses that I used to… Continue Reading

Sarah Silverman Told Us Not To Be Late

I can officially add “Customer Time Management” to the long list of jobs that I have to be good at as well as being your server.  I can understand if you are in a hurry, and need a quick bite to eat.  I’ll steer you in the right direction on the menu, “rush” your order… Continue Reading

TBB Podcast 322 w/ Danielle aka Beer Slinger

What can I say?  The podcast is catching fire.  On this episode I welcome my first out-of-country guest, Danielle aka Beer Slinger.  Danielle and I talked about what it’s like to work in the service industry in Toronto Canada.  We discuss everything from ladies who wear hats, to wobbly tables, to owners who are buttholes.… Continue Reading

I Pee Therefore I AM

Apparently if you have to go to the bathroom when you are at a bar, you don’t have to ACTUALLY make it to the bathroom to go pee.  The new toilet is the bar floor.  Anywhere on the floor will do.  That’s right, a customer has resorted to canine behavior and urinated on the floor… Continue Reading

Sidework, Smidework! Am I Right?

Ugh!  Sidework is rearing it’s smugly head again.  It’s a necessary evil in restaurant work, but sometimes, it’s not all necessary.  Especially after a long shift, with above-average-annoying customers, and you’ve STILL made no money.  And now I have to endure another hour or so of work that management thinks needs to be done, but… Continue Reading

The Morality Write-Up That’s Immoral

I am a sinner.  But I am okay with that.  Not saying that I committed any kind of “mortal” sin, but lets just say that when I am serving tables, sometimes I use the power of suggestion to sway a customers thinking to my benefit.  It’s not something that was learned overnight, but rather something… Continue Reading